The Grinch’s Guide to Not Being Festive

When I was 25, I came out to my family. Everything changed, but if you’ve read my book, you already know that.

One of the most frustrating things people can say to me is, “Just be happy!”

If you see me day to day, you know I’m a joyful person. People often ask, “Why are you always smiling?” And I usually respond, “Why not?” But there’s something different about having the carpet pulled out from under you and then reaching the holiday season, when everyone seems to ask, “What are your plans for the holidays?”

You show up at your aunt and uncle’s house, and someone who doesn’t know your story asks how your parents are… your siblings… your nieces and nephews. You want to be honest, but it doesn’t feel polite. And in that moment, you’re pulled back into the pain of being excluded from your family’s life. What is that emotion? Grief? Sadness? Anger? I’m not sure I can even name it.

So yeah, I am not exactly a holiday enthusiast. Too many memories are tied to each one, and not all of them are easy to revisit. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day… the list is never-ending. Honestly, why do Americans keep inventing new holidays? It’s exhausting! I mean do we really need a “National Donut Day” or “Talk Like a Pirate Day” on top of everything else?

The thing is, it’s not that I hate celebrating. It’s not that every holiday seems to come with a side of old pain, expectations, and questions I am not ready to answer. People mean well when they ask about my family gatherings or holiday plans, but sometimes those questions are little reminders of what’s missing… and what will never be able to be replaced. No amount of tinsel or twinkling lights can fully cover that ache.

So I do what I can. I smile, I sip, I navigate the chaos, and I try to find the little moments that make the season tolerable, or maybe even a little joyful. Call it my very own holiday survival guide.

Each year, it has become a little bit easier. But what I won’t be doing is twisting myself into a bow to fit into a family that does not accept me, just so they can feel more comfortable. If that makes me a little grinchy— fine. In the words of the Grinch himself, “I’ll deck my own way, thanks!”